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25
Aug
Neurodivergent Harrogate mum suffered ‘permanent anxiety’ during pregnancy
A neurodivergent mum from Harrogate spent nine months feeling trapped and overwhelmed inside her changing body, terrified for her unborn baby and struggling with “permanent anxiety”.
Ella Smith-Dunn says pregnancy left her battling intense sensory overload, repeatedly questioning whether her baby was safe, and frightened she would be unable to advocate for herself during birth.
After daughter Gianna, now one year old, was delivered by emergency c-section, Ms Smith-Dunn found early motherhood equally overwhelming as she struggled with bonding – just two weeks after giving birth she found herself asking her husband “what have I done?”.
Ms Smith-Dunn said:
There was no ‘pregnancy glow’ for me, I lived in permanent anxiety the whole time. Pregnancy was this intense overwhelm because all these things were happening inside my body and there was no escape from it for nine months. I was hot, sick and exhausted, I didn’t want to be touched and I felt completely overstimulated by my own body.
Then I’d become anxious about the fact I was anxious, because you hear that stress isn’t good for the baby, so everything would go round and round in my head. I was anxious that I shouldn’t be anxious, which obviously just made me even more anxious.
Ella 'felt no pregnancy glow'.
The 29-year-old, who works in HR, began recognising her own neurodivergence after a family member was diagnosed as autistic in adulthood, prompting her to research patterns she had experienced throughout her life.
Ms Smith-Dunn completed a test which identified traits associated with ADHD alongside dyscalculia, but when she entered the pathway for formal assessment around two years ago she was told the wait could be approximately 15 years.
Ms Smith-Dunn said:
It explained so much about me. My loved ones used to call me ‘Half-a-job Ella’ because I’d constantly start something and not finish it, I’d write an entire university essay and hand it in without reading it back, and I’d always struggled with numbers.
Multiple pregnancy tests
Pregnancy, however, brought an entirely new level of uncertainty.
The first trimester was particularly frightening because Ms Smith-Dunn could neither see nor feel what was happening inside her womb, leading her to repeatedly take pregnancy tests simply to reassure herself that she really was pregnant.
She said:
My brain was constantly asking, ‘Is it real? Are they okay? Did I imagine it? Did I dream it?’. I catastrophised about every possible scenario and ran through every outcome in my head.
Having a plan normally helps me feel in control, so I learnt everything I possibly could, but sometimes knowing every possible outcome just gave my anxiety more things to latch onto.
Ella, her husband Joe, their baby Gianna, and their dog.
Although Ms Smith-Dunn felt looked after within NHS maternity care, she realised she needed additional support around how her neurodivergence was affecting pregnancy.
Unable to face waiting until her routine 12-week scan for reassurance, she found Harrogate healthcare provider Cocoon Healthcare, and later began one-to-one sessions with lead midwife Kate Mortimer, often alongside her husband Joe.
When Ms Smith-Dunn later experienced reduced fetal movement she hesitated before seeking help, worrying she would be wasting people’s time. In the end, she needed an emergency c-section.
Adjusting to motherhood
Having Gianna safely delivered didn’t bring the instantaneous emotional transformation Ms Smith-Dunn had expected. After spending pregnancy almost protecting herself from imagining a future with her baby because she feared something would go wrong, she struggled to adjust to motherhood and felt guilty when an immediate bond did not materialise.
She said:
I didn’t have that huge gush of emotion everyone talks about. I remember being about two weeks in and looking at Gianna crying in the Moses basket and saying to Joe, ‘What have I done?’.
I didn’t mean I didn’t want or love her, but all I could picture was my life before. I struggled to bond with her and then felt guilty because I wasn’t feeling what I thought a new mum was supposed to feel. Breastfeeding was overwhelming too, I was hot, touched-out and felt like my body wasn’t my own.
Around six weeks after giving birth, Ms Smith-Dunn says something changed when she stopped measuring herself against expectations of how motherhood was supposed to feel and began parenting in a way that worked for her own brain.
She said:
I realised my baby is loved, she’s safe, she’s cared for and she has everything she needs, and that’s what matters. Loving your baby and needing a break from your baby aren’t mutually exclusive.
Sometimes I need quiet or time alone to decompress, and those things reset me and make me a better parent. I stopped trying to fit myself into a box of what motherhood was supposed to look like. I love my baby, I know my baby, and I know what she needs, and the way I parent makes sense for me and my brain.
Ella is now enjoying motherhood.
Despite her negative experience, Ms Smith-Dunn wants more children and says she would willingly experience it again. By speaking publicly, she hopes other neurodivergent women will realise that struggling with pregnancy, not bonding immediately or needing space from their baby does not make them a bad parent.
Ms Smith-Dunn said:
I didn’t enjoy pregnancy, but I absolutely love being Gianna’s mum and I want another baby, so I’d do it all again. You don’t have to enjoy every part of pregnancy or motherhood, and you don’t have to experience becoming a mum exactly like somebody else to be a brilliant parent.
Ms Smith-Dunn is sharing her experience as part of a new awareness drive from Harrogate-based private wellness and pregnancy firm Cocoon Healthcare, highlighting neurodivergent experiences of pregnancy and motherhood and calling for greater recognition of individualised, adaptive maternity care.
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