This article is sponsored by Berwins

Family breakdown is never easy, but Christmas can be a particularly distressing time for separated parents and their children.

There is an unrealistic expectation that the festive period should be be perfect, not helped by increasing pressure caused by social media.

This often leads to feelings of anger, frustration and upset when that “perfect” family Christmas can’t be made into a reality.

Arguments can start over where the children will be on Christmas Day. There can also be disagreements about whether new partners should be spending time with the children at Christmas, as well as issues with money.

But it doesn’t always have to be difficult.

Harrogate dad Alex separated from his wife in 2010, when his daughter was three-years-old.

Tough

He described how the first two Christmases apart were a struggle, but then gradually improved in future years thanks to good communication.

He said:

“In that first year it was all quite recent and a little raw. Christmas morning was spent separately at our respective parents, and my daughter was with her mum.

“We then met in a neutral venue, a pub in a rural village, and had a drink and I got to spend some time with my daughter.

“That first year was incredibly tough and getting in the car and driving away from her later in the afternoon was particularly hard.

“The following year my daughter spent the morning with my ex-wife, and then came to my house. It was a little too upsetting for all parties, particularly for my daughter as she just wanted to play with her new things.”

However, as a result, they both agreed that they would then take it in turns each year, which he says has worked out better for everyone ever since.

He said:

“When she is not with us, we have a separate faux Christmas Day and meal on another day as near to the big day as we can, but there is no substitute to having her with you on the day itself.”

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Alex continues to have a good relationship with his ex-wife and says this makes it easier when it comes to Christmas festivities.

He said:

“I think when you have children, the focus of the day itself changes anyway, and you realise that the enjoyment comes from experiencing it through their eyes.

“Once both parties accept that, it’s easy to keep it amicable as you will do everything you can to make it special for the children involved.

“As with every aspect of co-parenting, communication is the key, and if you can keep in touch and keep it friendly (sometimes through gritted teeth), then it makes everything so much better for you and your children.

“I genuinely think my daughter has a wonderful time at Christmas. She gets spoiled by both sides of her family and gets to have two Christmas Days every year.”

Advice

Stephen Root, director of Berwins Solicitors, based in Harrogate, has shared his advice on arrangements for children over the Christmas period.

He said:

• Remember it is not about you spending time with your children, but your children spending time with you and the other parent.
• Try and approach it from your children’s point of view. Will they be happier seeing both of you on Christmas Day, even if that means moving from house-to-house? Or are they better off in one place, perhaps, alternating Christmas Day and Boxing Day between you?
• Try and find an arrangement that suits your family and can be used from year-to-year, perhaps alternating Christmas and the New Year holiday periods between you.
• Try and reach an agreement as early as possible. If everyone knows what the arrangements are there are less likely to be arguments. If there are issues, then the earlier you have begun discussions the more time you have to resolve them.
• If the children are with you all day Christmas Day, do make time for them to speak with the other parent during the day. In most cases children will want to at least speak to the other parent during the festivities.
• Don’t compete with each other. Try and discuss what presents you are getting – consider still buying jointly if you can – and don’t expect your children to eat two Christmas dinners.