“You’ll get nothing.” What to do if your partner threatens you with financial ruinDaunted by divorce? Ison Harrison Solicitors can guide you through

This article is sponsored by Ison Harrison Solicitors.

As life starts to get back to normal, for some, covid has uncovered irretrievable cracks in their relationship. Now might therefore be the time to make the first tentative steps towards separation and divorce.

Ison Harrison Solicitors in Harrogate provide advice on what to do next to make the transition as amicable as possible.

Where To Begin

If you feel that the only outcome for you and your partner is to divorce, the process can seem really daunting. You may be thinking; where do I start, how long will it take and how much will it cost?

The biggest step for most people is the first one, engaging a family solicitor. To do this you have to accept that the marriage is over and have the motivation to do something about it. This is no easy task and can often lead people to stay in unhappy relationships.

Shaun Hulme who is a partner and family solicitor at the Harrogate branch, said:

“I am all too aware of the difficulties faced by those who are separating and facing a future they did not necessarily expect for themselves.

My role as a family solicitor is to help my client navigate this difficult and unexpected future not only for themselves but for their family.”

What to expect from a divorce case

Divorce is never something someone can plan for. It is often a decision that has taken careful consideration and comes with varying emotions such as heartbreak, upset and stress.

To think of a life without your partner may be hard to imagine but solicitors at Ison Harrison, like Shaun, are already thinking of the end goal before you’ve even got there:

“Whilst clients are at the very outset of the case, often with heightened emotions making difficult decisions even harder, I am already at the end point planning the case backwards to get them on the road to independent living.

“I help them to look forward to a future albeit one they had not planned.”

Often during proceedings, it can get heated between couples with each person determined to have the last word. Shaun Hulme makes sure to help his clients navigate this tricky part. He said:

“I advise all of my clients to avoid the need to have ‘the last word’ and move forward. This is particularly true with children. At the end of the process people want to look back and know that they have acted in the best interest of their children.”

Ultimately, Shaun said his main aims throughout a divorce case is to meet his clients expectations whilst managing them, to build trust and to ensure they feel supported throughout.

Top tips for reducing stress and getting the best outcome

Ison Harrison solicitors have provided some advice on what to remember as you work through the process:

For a 30 minute free initial discussion about the steps involved in the divorce process, contact Ison Harrison Solicitors, Harrogate on 0113 284 5000 or email us on harrogate@isonharrison.co.uk

To download a copy of our Roadmap to Divorce document which takes you through all of the stages in the process, click here.

Laura’s Law: Leaving an abusive relationship

Laura’s Law is a monthly legal column, written by family lawyer, Laura Mounsey. Laura is a partner at Harrogate Family Law. She specialises in dealing with divorced couples and people who have been in abusive relationships. Her role involves protecting her clients’ assets and income if they want to live with someone or get married and resolving disagreements about children.

This week Laura advises on preparing to leave an abusive relationship.

 

How did this happen to someone like you?

It is painful to realise that you are in an abusive relationship. It is even more painful when you are hit by how long you did not see it for.

Many around you won’t have seen it either. Or if they did notice it, they ignored it because it was easier. Others are shocked that it ever happened to someone “like” you. But you aren’t “like” yourself at all anymore by this point, are you? That is probably why you don’t feel that you can “just” leave.   

I often find that the biggest risk is that you do not learn how to come out of “survival mode”. Most things that you are worried about can be fixed by someone like me. But nothing can be fixed unless you help me help you. But it is hard to even decide that you do need me. If that is you, speak with a counsellor, life coach, friend, family, police or even stranger to help you realise that you can make a decision. And that decision is to leave.

If that is too daunting, why don’t you read a book about it? There are many out there, for people just like you, written by people who used to be where you are.

I would not be surprised if even reading that strikes fear into your heart. No doubt you have already been threatened about what they would do if you even dared to want something better. I bet that they have said that they would take the children from you and make sure you end up with nothing. But you are not worth nothing, far from it. To go through something like you have, you must be the strongest out there.

If you do decide to separate, it is time to do something different. It often does not help to deal with your abusive ex in the same way that you did whilst you were together. That is not dealing with them at all. That just gives them another opportunity to do whatever they want to try and get their own way which may only make you more vulnerable. That is why you need a lot of people on your side.

In the meantime, do things that you want to do. Start practising making yourself a priority. Why don’t you buy the top you really liked? Or go to the hairdressers (pandemic permitting) and do something different with your hair? Maybe even promise yourself to go somewhere you like every week. Or why don’t you reach out to that friend that they said you weren’t allowed to talk to anymore?

Isn’t it time?

Laura’s Law: Is your ex weaponising your children?

Laura’s Law is a monthly legal column, written by family lawyer, Laura Mounsey. Laura is a partner at Harrogate Family Law. She specialises in dealing with divorced couples and people who have been in abusive relationships. Her role involves protecting her clients’ assets and income if they want to live with someone or get married and resolving disagreements about children.

This week Laura advises on what to do if your ex is weaponising your children.

 

If you are in the process of separating (or thinking about doing so), you may be terrified about losing your children. You may be worried that your ex will be so intent on ‘revenge’, that they will try to weaponise your children against you.

Typically, by the time that people ask for my help, they tell me that their:

  1. Children’s opinion of them has become very negative
  2. Children are acting out against them and rejecting them
  3. Ex keeps taking their children away from them
  4. Ex has made all sorts of allegations about them as a parent

It isn’t uncommon for children to struggle with their parents’ separation. However, sometimes your ex may throw your children into the middle of a conflict by manipulating their view of you and burdening them by having to ‘choose a side’. Being bombarded with such responsibility and pressure can cause them significant distress.

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It is not fair for your ex to try to damage your children’s relationship with you. However, it can and does happen. It’s likely to get worse the longer you leave it. Sadly, I have seen an increase in this behaviour during the pandemic lockdown. Particularly where children have been withheld from seeing one of their parents.

Often, if you approach your ex on your own and challenge them about the way that they are treating your children, they will deny it. This often backfires and allows your ex to spin your concerns against you, as if you are in the wrong. This can leave you feeling trapped without a way out.

Does this sound familiar?

When you separate, your children need you both more than ever and that should be a priority. However, your ex may see your children as a way to get what they want, regardless of what damage they may cause getting there.

It isn’t impossible to deal with your ex’s behaviour however it is time critical because the more you delay, the more damage may be done. To disarm your ex, for your children’s sake as well as your own, it is vital that you reach out.

You should also consider:

  1. Telling your ex in writing about your concerns and set out why
  2. Keeping a log of what has been happening
  3. Asking for professional support for you and/or the children

This is particularly important, now that we are in another lockdown. Even though we cannot meet in person for now, you can still reach out and get help. The court is also still open, so you are not alone.

To find out more about Laura and her speciality in family law, click here.

COLUMN: Are you married to a narcissist?

This legal column is written by family lawyer, Laura Mounsey. Laura is a partner at Harrogate Family Law. She specialises in dealing with divorced couples and people who have been in abusive relationships. Her role involves protecting her clients’ assets and income if they want to live with someone or get married and resolving disagreements about children. In this column, she discusses the red flags to look out for that indicate you may be married to a narcissist and how to get out.

I have experienced the trauma of divorcing a narcissist first-hand. I am now a lawyer who specialises in helping people who are terrified of standing up to them.

Typically, I find that many of my clients have been conditioned to think that they have no self-worth. They have been controlled and bullied for years. They believe that any wrongdoing is their fault and that they do not deserve any better. The idea of saying “enough is enough” paralyses them with fear; so worn down, they feel trapped with no way out.

Over time, I have heard many people who sit in front of me say that their ex is:

They tell them what to do and what not to do. They are scolded for “stepping out of line”. However, the rules always change, and they never win. Instead, they live their lives walking on eggshells.

They think they are superior and expect that others cater to, and admire, them. Even though they have inflated self-esteem, beneath it, hides crippling insecurities which cause them to lash out.

They are obsessed with what other people think about them. They will put others down to make themselves seem better than they are. They are obsessed with attention and will often play the victim if needed.

They will often lie and pin people against each other. They will isolate people and are prepared to do anything to get what they want. Often, they undermine others around them so much that they start to question their own judgement, not their ex.

Does this ring any alarm bells?

Leaving a narcissist is daunting. A client once told me that her ex would do everything in his power to destroy her so that she ended up in a shoe box on the Stray with nothing but her children.

But she held her nerve and took the plunge, broke free and now has a very comfortable life that is all hers.

If, like her, you know deep down that you need to leave but you do not know what to do, the best thing that you can do is get specialist advice from a divorce lawyer who knows what you are dealing with.

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