Laura’s Law is a monthly legal column, written by family lawyer, Laura Mounsey. Laura is a partner at Harrogate Family Law. She specialises in dealing with divorced couples and people who have been in abusive relationships. Her role involves protecting her clients’ assets and income if they want to live with someone or get married and resolving disagreements about children.

This week Laura advises on preparing to leave an abusive relationship.

 

How did this happen to someone like you?

It is painful to realise that you are in an abusive relationship. It is even more painful when you are hit by how long you did not see it for.

Many around you won’t have seen it either. Or if they did notice it, they ignored it because it was easier. Others are shocked that it ever happened to someone “like” you. But you aren’t “like” yourself at all anymore by this point, are you? That is probably why you don’t feel that you can “just” leave.   

I often find that the biggest risk is that you do not learn how to come out of “survival mode”. Most things that you are worried about can be fixed by someone like me. But nothing can be fixed unless you help me help you. But it is hard to even decide that you do need me. If that is you, speak with a counsellor, life coach, friend, family, police or even stranger to help you realise that you can make a decision. And that decision is to leave.

If that is too daunting, why don’t you read a book about it? There are many out there, for people just like you, written by people who used to be where you are.

I would not be surprised if even reading that strikes fear into your heart. No doubt you have already been threatened about what they would do if you even dared to want something better. I bet that they have said that they would take the children from you and make sure you end up with nothing. But you are not worth nothing, far from it. To go through something like you have, you must be the strongest out there.

If you do decide to separate, it is time to do something different. It often does not help to deal with your abusive ex in the same way that you did whilst you were together. That is not dealing with them at all. That just gives them another opportunity to do whatever they want to try and get their own way which may only make you more vulnerable. That is why you need a lot of people on your side.

In the meantime, do things that you want to do. Start practising making yourself a priority. Why don’t you buy the top you really liked? Or go to the hairdressers (pandemic permitting) and do something different with your hair? Maybe even promise yourself to go somewhere you like every week. Or why don’t you reach out to that friend that they said you weren’t allowed to talk to anymore?

Isn’t it time?