Laura’s Law is a monthly legal column, written by family lawyer, Laura Mounsey. Laura is a partner at Harrogate Family Law. She specialises in dealing with divorced couples and people who have been in abusive relationships. Her role involves protecting her clients’ assets and income if they want to live with someone or get married and resolving disagreements about children.

This week Laura advises on what you should be prepared for if you're thinking of getting a divorce. 

Many people are terrified about getting divorced. The idea of splitting up, particularly when you have children, can be almost too painful to bear. It is one of the most difficult things to go through. I can’t pretend that it isn’t, but I do find that the more than people understand how to weather the storm, the better.

If you are thinking of getting a divorce, it is helpful to prepare yourself.

1.    Feeling like it will never end

It can take people a long time to decide that enough is enough, they need a divorce. In my experience, making that decision itself is a relief. However, that is the beginning and not the end. Often, it can feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel once you have taken that first step. It can feel overwhelming, and sometimes it is difficult to hold your nerve.

However, I have seen that with the right team around you, you will get through it and often find yourself stronger than ever.

2.    Feeling like your friends have not stuck around

Many people tell me that just when they needed their friends to rally around them more than ever, they found them more distant than ever. Divorce can be very divisive with mutual friends. It can be painful to question whose side your friends are on. I find that they fear speaking up about how they feel. Often, people feel like they are having to fight over yet another thing – who gets to keep which friends.

You should remember that if you lose a few people along the way, this will only clear room for new positive and meaningful friendships.

3.    Feeling like your ex has become someone that you do not recognise

You may think that you know your soon-to-be-ex inside and out. However, divorce can make people behave in a way that you never even knew was possible. Many find that their ex goes into survival mode, rather than being on their side. This can leave you feeling vulnerable because you don’t feel able to trust your ex anymore, or know what to expect next.

It is important to accept that you will have your own agendas now, and you will need to find some common ground to reach an agreement that is fair to both of you.

4.    Feeling like you aren’t doing enough to protect your children

As a parent your instinct is to protect your child from being hurt. This can mean that you and your ex will go to extreme lengths to try to keep everything as normal as possible, but it can often feel like it is not enough. Many people feel very guilty, which is much more difficult to overcome if your ex won’t work with you. When you are trying to look after yourself too, this can leave you feeling drained.

Don’t feel bad if you find your children are struggling. This is normal. Support is there from friends, family, school and other professionals. You will not be alone.

Sound familiar?

Even if you are the person who is initiating the divorce, you will need to give yourself time to adjust to a new way of life and the loss of your previous one. Nobody enters into marriage expecting it to end and the fact that it is ending can bring with it feelings of failure, regret, guilt and loneliness. It can also feel scary and uncertain at times.

These are completely normal emotions to be experiencing and are part of a healthy healing process. You will need to re-discover yourself and re-gain control by setting some new personal and financial goals. Now is a time to try new hobbies, meet new people, do some things on your bucket list, treat yourself and get back to who you want to be.

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